Shhh… Hercules Has Had a Busy Day

Hercules at the end of a typical workday

Being a dachshund puppy isn’t as easy and carefree as you might think. It’s actually exhausting work. Hercules’ regular schedule is jam-packed with activity. Here’s a sample of his average day:

6:30-6:40AM – Wake up male human by biting and jumping on him. Get him out of bed to do human stuff in kitchen and feed cats.
6:40-6:45AM – Stand under cat’s table and catch any breakfast cats might throw off.
6:45-6:55AM – Clean food remnants stuck in pan from Human’s dinner last night.
6:55-7:00AM – Go outside and pee on front gate post.
7:00-7:20AM – Yard patrol. Make sure to bark at dogs living next door, eat something found under a tree, drink some murky water from duck pond.
7:20-7:40AM – Wake up female human by walking on her. Make sure to sniff and lick her face (especially if thing found under tree was funky). Don’t quit until she is out of bed.
7:45-7:55AM – Escort female human to bathroom. Make sure to scratch at door and whimper while she is in there.
8:00-8:05AM – Make sure cats haven’t thrown any additional food on the floor in the dining room. Bark at them if they haven’t. Eat some dog food.
8:05-8:15AM – Go outside and pee on bench. Patrol upper yard near fish pond.
8:20-8:30AM – Go see what the other dogs are doing.
8:30-8:45AM – Help human female make and her breakfast. Make sure to run in and out of her legs so she might drop some food. Clean up any she drops.
8:45-9:00AM – Break time. Chew on dog toy.
9:00-9:20AM – Yard patrol. Make sure to run around the chickens and ducks to upset them. Eat something found in the chicken coop. Drink some murky water from the duck pond.
9:20-9:30AM – Break time. Lay in sun on back deck.
9:30-9:45AM – Dig up vegetable garden.
9:45-10:00AM – Get caught digging up vegetable garden. Slink off to hide until humans forget.
10:00-10:10AM – Find shoe under bed where hiding. Chew on shoe making sure to tear out insoles and shred laces.
10:10-10:30AM – Break time. Lay in sun on front patio.
10:30-10:40AM – Pee on gate again. Find place to poop where human is guaranteed to walk in it. Poop.
10:40-11:00AM – Yard patrol. Make sure to bark at neighbor dogs to make sure they’re still there.
11:00-11:15AM – Break time. Lay in sun in sunroom.
11:15-11:30AM – Investigate both humans to make sure they are not eating.
11:30-11:40AM – Find something in the garage and chew it up.
11:40AM-12:00PM – Follow human female around so she remembers to make lunch.
12:00-12:05PM – Eat lunch in two huge bites. Lick bowl clean.
12:05-12:15PM – Drink water like it’s the first you’ve had in 4 days. Pee on recycling bin on side yard so raccoons know you’re in charge.
12:15-1:00PM – Nap time. Make sure to hog entire dog bed so other dogs have no room.
1:00-1:30PM – Dig big hole by shed.
1:30-1:45PM – Get caught digging hole by shed. Slink off to hide until humans forget.
1:45-2:15PM – Sit by front gate and wait for mailman. Bark at mailman.
2:15-2:30PM – Break time. Lay in shade.
2:30-2:45PM – Yard patrol. Bark at neighbor dogs, run behind shed where chickens are napping to wake them up. Pee on shed.
2:45-3:30PM – Free play. Carefully disassemble select plastic chew toys.
3:30-4:00PM – Sit at fence and wait for neighbor kids to come walking home. Bark at neighbor kids to make sure they know you know they are walking by.
4:00-4:30PM – Get zoomies. Fly around the house like tail is on fire. Make sure to crash into things on off chance food might fall. Eat any food that does.
4:30-4:45PM – Yard patrol. Make sure to eat something found in yard.
4:45-5:00PM – Sit on back of couch in family room so you can see when human female comes into kitchen to make food.
5:00–6:00PM – Assist human female with feeding cats, checking fridge and pantry when opened. Make sure to be under foot in case food falls. Clean up any food that falls. Ignore dog food in dish.
6:00-6:30PM – Sit in dog bed and stare into dining room with really sad eyes while humans eat.
6:30-7:00PM – Assist in dinner clean up.
7:00-7:10PM – Pee on bush by bench. Poop on path where human male is likely to step on it in a.m.
7:10-7:30PM – Shift ends. Grab dog toys from other room and put them on dog bed by TV.
7:30PM – Sleep. Hard. Dream about tomorrow’s schedule.